Review

Dan Brown’s “Inferno” is Shit

This is a quickie because I want this off my chest. I saw Inferno (2016) a couple weeks after it came out. I thought it was a solid popcorn mystery flick. Something you watch on a rainy Saturday and browse Twitter on the DL. It’s a really good example of a 5/10 – average and unsubstantial.

At the time, I would be going on a trip soon so I figured I’d buy the book and read it on the plane. I was genuinely curious how the two differed.

Well long story short, the movie is 1000x better and the book is shit.

Firstly, the movie cuts out a lot of filler. There’s about 8 or so chapters about the MCs Robert Langdon and Sienna Brooks trying to escape a garden. In the movie this scene is like, not even ten minutes. With the book, I kept thinking ‘why is this going on so long?’ There’s an especially annoying part where a nobody security guard who doesn’t like getting disturbed eventually gets knocked out. It’s just dumb and stupid.

Second, Sienna is a shit character. In the movie I didn’t like her but she worked. She also wasn’t a love interest to Langdon, though she is involved in a romantic subplot. Either way she dies in the end so nbd. Yeah, screw spoilers because it’s a drab ending. The plot is pretty predictable in the movie: the day is saved and status quo is restored.

In the book, however, Sienna is just SO frustrating. In the final few chapters she swipes a speedboat and takes off, hopefully never to be seen again. INSTEAD, she chooses to turn around and have a chat with Langdon to ‘redeem’ herself. Langdon is also incredibly frustrating because he doesn’t do the smart thing AND DETAIN HER UNTIL THE POLICE ARRIVE (honestly I would have beat the shit out of her), but listens and even hugs her. Jesus.

What makes that interaction so ANNOYING is because Sienna is A CRIMINAL. The last 15 chapters are Dan Brown trying to write himself out of the first 86 chapters. The whole story is about stopping a plague from killing 1/3 of the world population. Sienna is guilty of so many things relating to the threat; aiding and harbouring a criminal; accomplice to mass murder; first degree murder. Like, by the end of the book SHE SHOULD BE IN JAIL. Instead, Dan Brown makes his characters philosophize how ‘transhumanism’ is more or less okay since the intentions were well-meaning and because Sienna is the only one who knows the details of the plaque, she’s going to work with WHO to counteract the virus!

FUCK YOU DAN BROWN.

Movie did it better since she fucking blew herself up.

Third, the weak, forced romance between the leads. Like, the movie did the nice thing of not hooking these two up. BUT IN THE BOOK, Langdon and Sienna have internal monologues about ‘trusting each other’ and ‘betrayals of someone I thought I knew.’ They hug after Sienna’s confession. WORST OF ALL THEY FUCKING KISS FOR NO JUSTIFIED REASON IN THE THIRD LAST CHAPTER.

Why? WHY?? I’m getting so tired of this shit. Anyone else familiar with THE SUSPENSION BRIDGE EFFECT??? They were together for like 24 hours. I’m almost confident it’s 24 hours because Dan Brown keeps referencing ‘the night before’ and ‘been in the same clothes since this morning.’

AND JESUS SIENNA, YOU LITERALLY JUST HELPED RELEASE A PLAGUE AND GOT OFF SCOTT FREE. ARE YOU SUCH A ‘WOMAN’ THAT THE ONLY WAY YOU KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS YOUR GRATITUDE IS WITH A KISS?????

This speaks more to Dan Brown’s shit writing. I’m glad the movie changed things. I’m glad whoever adapted this novel was like “yeah fuck this, I’m changing the ending.” Like, at least in the movie they had the decency to make Langdon and an age-appropriate woman have a romantic subplot. (Also, Jesus Dan Brown insert much? Both female leads see Langdon as a ‘handsome, tall man,’ fucking gross.) It’s like Dan Brown HAD to write that both female leads were into Langdon. Are you SO CLICHÉ that a young woman can’t shake hands like a professional?

There was a weird couple of chapters mid-story were there was a half-implied gay relationship and I was like ‘okay, kinda outta no where, but I’m down.’ PSYCH, says Dan Brown, that was actually Sienna’s thoughts! Yup! She’s in love with the plague maker lolol. FUCK THAT AT LEAST THE GAY RELATIONSHIP WOULD HAVE BEEN MORE INTERESTING.

It’s like, the baity-est thing too because there’s a line that says “I’ve never been with a man before.”

😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑😑

 

Final Verdict

Inferno Film: 5/10

Inferno Novel: 00000/10

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